Only in the Apple – A New York City Blog

I don’t know if I’ve written about my aversion towards children before. Well, now you know. I walked onto the train yesterday morning and out of ALL the cars on the train I pick the one containing a sea of 10 year-olds. I’m not exaggerating, there were at least 20 of them. Must have been a field trip. For some reason they felt the need to scream about everything we passed. As in, “LOOK! A GAS STATION! OHMIGOD! DUNKIN DONUTS!” I’m standing there like, where the hell did you kids come from, a third-world country? You’re on a train in Queens for goodness sake. 

Anyways, I’m standing there grimacing and trying not to roll my eyes every five seconds as one of the gremlins continuously kicks me from his seat. Then I feel a little hand on my ass as one of them tries to steady himself. Hello! That’s what the poles are for. That’s about the time the jaw-clenching and teeth-grinding began. Thank God they got off at Queensboro Plaza because there is no way in hell I (or my teeth) could have lasted until Grand Central with them.

Due to my aversion for these small people, I’ve always been convinced that I am going to be the crappiest mom ever. Fortunately, I discovered this site (via stickfigurelis.com) for some much needed tips and advice. Here’s a little sneak preview:

HAHAHA you have to see the rest. I’m sitting at work cracking up and thinking if I know any other not-necessarily-children-haters-but-definitely-don’t-like-them types to send it to.

Last Friday boyfriend and I hit up Stand Up NY – a dim, claustrophobic comedy club tucked away on the Upper West Side. We walked in to find a small crowded bar with a narrow space to line up in front of the hostess stand; a small curtain blocks the bar and waiting area from the stage and seating area. A woman (I assumed she was the hostess) asked us if we were there for the 10 p.m. show and instructed us to wait to the side. Imagine my surprise when we saw her take the stage a few minutes later to wrap up the 8 p.m. show.

That’s the way this club works, though. As we were waiting for the first show to end, we noticed the comics would come off stage and hang around the bar. There’s no “backstage” or green room; it makes you feel like everyone’s hanging out together – no celebrity diva atmosphere.

The comics were great; my favorite was Lynne Koplitz – a woman who based most of her routine off her experiences performing the night before on Valentine’s Day. One of my favorite lines was, “There’s nothing romantic about getting a single rose on Valentine’s Day. It just means he’s got 11 other bitches to give roses to.”

The intimate setting means you’re only like 15 feet from the comedians in any seat – which means there’s always a chance you could be the target of his or her next joke.

Chris Rock, Jerry Seinfeld, and Robin Williams are just a few of the bigger names that have performed at Stand Up NY. Rock has been known to show up unannounced to try out new material on the crowd.

If you’re going to see one of the shows, make sure you get the tickets from Goldstar.com. Tickets are $20; on Goldstar they were free, with only a $9 service fee for two tickets. Be prepared, though – there’s a $15, two drink minimum per person. Since the cheapest drink is $10, you automatically drop $40 per couple. But hey, this is NYC and that, my friends, is standard protocol.

It was tough but I was finally able to catch the last cat on film. Like I said before, she’s a little self-conscious about her weight and quite unwilling to pose for pictures.

As you can see, she still wasn’t completely willing to work the camera. She covered up her face to avoid the paparazzi, but I was too quick for her.